For some reason, Paul keeps reminding me of song lyrics. This week I am reminded of the lyrics by Sammy Cahn: “Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like a horse and carriage.” That’s what our passage from Ephesians 5:21-33 is all about. Listen for God’s word to you…
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
There is an old cartoon of a pastor entering a pulpit wearing medieval armor. As the pastor clanks into position he says, “My topic today is … wives submit to your husbands.”
Our passage for today from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians is certainly one that has caused great consternation, especially among women in the church, for quite a long time. But as with many things in the Bible that may provoke a strong emotional reaction, I would suggest that the first, and perhaps most important step in Bible study involves laying down our weapons. I know this is hard, but what I am inviting you to do today is to approach this passage of Scripture as though you are hearing it for the first time.
We are all, no doubt, familiar with the question: “What happens when you assume?” And we all know the answer: “You make an ass of you and me!”
So, let’s see if we can avoid making asses of ourselves today. Let’s not assume we know anything about the passage we have just read. After all, it was written in a foreign language two thousand years ago. So, if we approach this text with an open mind, and ask good questions, we might just learn something new.
The first surprising thing about this text is that Paul begins by saying: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” That opening suggests that this whole passage is about mutual submission, not about one partner in marriage dominating the other.
The pastor who offered premarital counseling to Becky and me really tried to drive home this lesson, that marriage is about mutual submission. He told us that in marriage he thought husband and wife should submit to one another’s gifts.
Personally, I think that is an excellent idea. For example, if one partner is gifted at finance, then that partner ought to handle the finances. If the other partner is better at cooking, then that partner should probably do most of the cooking. It’s not as though husband and wife can’t share duties in the home. But the more we submit to one another’s gifts, the better things tend to go.
I remember hearing a sermon by Tony Campolo many years ago in which he advocated mutual submission in marriage. In his usual humorous manner, Tony suggested that husband and wife should try to outdo each other in service, so much so that their first argument should be about who gets to serve the other first.
This leads me to point out another surprising fact about this passage in Ephesians. That is that Paul never tells wives to submit to their husbands in this passage.
I know. I can hear you screaming in your own mind, “What are you talking about, Will? We just read the words in plain English: wives submit yourselves to your own husbands.”
I know. Those are the words in English. But a more literal translation from the Greek would run like this: “wives to their own husbands as to the Lord.” To get the word “submit” into verse 22 and verse 24, the translator must borrow the word from verse 21. The Greek word for “submit”, ὑποτάσσω, simply does not appear in verses 22 or 24. The word appears only in verse 21 where Paul advocates mutual submission.
Now, let’s talk about what this word ὑποτάσσω means. It is one of those compound words in Greek. It has two parts. ὑπο means under and τάσσω has to do with order. From the word τάσσω we get our English word taxonomy which has to do with the ordering of things. In science this word has to do with the classification of organisms.
Paul is taking over a way of talking about household life that appears in Greek philosophy like that of Aristotle. The Greeks had certain household codes indicating how life in a Greek household should operate in the relations between husband and wife, parents and children, masters and slaves. Paul talks about the latter categories in Ephesians 6.
But here’s the thing… Paul takes a very different approach to this subject compared to the society of his time. Paul’s idea of mutual submission is radical.[1]
OK, so ὑποτάσσω means “to order under”. Now, I know that these days no one likes to think of ordering themselves under someone else. But let me ask you a question: “What’s the most important part of a bridge? Is it the road? Or the supporting structure underneath the road?” The support structure underneath is the most important part of a bridge, isn’t it? Without that support structure, the road would collapse into the valley below.
So, even if Paul is talking about wives ordering themselves under their husbands, what he is really talking about is the important role that wives have in supporting their husbands. That, I would humbly suggest, is your homework assignment from this passage, wives. Ask yourself: how can I support my husband as I would the Lord Jesus and his work? And when you figure out the answer to that question, ask the Lord Jesus for his help to do just that.
I would also invite you to notice another word that Paul does not use about wives in relation to their husbands in this passage. Paul does not use the word “obey”. Paul does use this word regarding children in relation to their parents in chapter 6, but Paul does notuse this word regarding wives in relation to their husbands in chapter 5. The Greek word for “obey” is like the Greek word for “submit”. It is ὑπακούω. It too is a compound word with two parts. ὑπα means “under” and κούω means “to listen”. So, ὑπακούω means “to listen under”.
So, Paul, in Ephesians, never actually tells wives to submit to their husbands, though he may intend for them to do so. And he never tells wives to “obey” their husbands. But Paul does say that the husband is the “head” of the wife as Christ is the “head” of the Church. What does Paul mean by this?
The most important thing to notice is that Paul says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…” So, a key question is: how does Christ exercise his headship over the church? We are given a clue in Mark 10:42-45 where Jesus says to his disciples…
You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
So, Jesus exercises his headship over the church by serving the church. This suggests that the husband should exercise his headship in a similar manner.
Now, the Greek word for “head” is κεφαλή and it can mean “head” in the sense of “leader”. But the word can also mean “source”. In what sense might the husband be the source of the wife? Well, it may just be that Paul is thinking about the creation story in Genesis where the woman is created out of the rib that God takes from the man. Then, when the husband and wife come together in sexual relations, they become “one flesh”, the original unity is restored.
So, where does this leave things? If we begin to think of marriage in terms of mutual submission, mutual support, and if we think of the husband as servant and source of the wife, or one might even say, “a resource”, then it begins to change our picture of what Paul may be talking about. Could it be that Paul is encouraging husbands and wives to engage in a mutually supportive relationship? I would suggest to you that could be exactly what Paul is talking about. As Markus Barth has pointed out, this passage is all about subordination to love. “Where there is no love Paul does not expect submission…”
That leads me to my next point… Paul does not tell husbands to “lord it over their wives” or “to domineer” them. No. Paul says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”
The word for “love” that Paul uses here is the same word for “love” that he has been using all along in Ephesians. It is the word agape. It is the word that Paul uses of God’s unconditional or contra-conditional love for human beings. Throughout the New Testament, agape “means the attitude and acts of unselfish giving.” (Barth) Paul does not command husbands to have erotic love for their wives. Nor does he command them to have affection for their wives. Nor does Paul tell husbands to be friends with their wives, even though all these kinds of love can be helpful in marriage. But that is not what Paul is talking about here. Paul is commanding husbands to have a sacrificial love for their wives.
After all, Paul tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. And how did Christ love the church? By dying for her on a cross. Paul is suggesting that the marriage that most looks like a crucifixion—where the husband is sacrificing himself for his wife—that is the correct picture of Christian marriage.
Paul elaborates on what Christ has done and is doing for the Church. He says that:
Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
If husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, this suggests to me that as husbands we need to be helping our wives to become the best versions of themselves that they can be. Husbands need to be helping their wives to reach their peak potential in life.
As Paul often does, instead of just offering us one metaphor to describe Christian marriage, he offers a second one…
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.
Paul bases this part of his instruction, once again, on Genesis. In Genesis 2:24 we read…
For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
Paul seems to be saying, “Look, if husband and wife really are ‘one flesh’ in marriage, then the way they treat each other is the way they are treating their own body.” Paul invites us to think this through with him. How do we feel about our own bodies? We may not always be fond of our bodies. We may not like the way they look all the time, especially when we stand in front of a mirror, looking at ourselves naked. But even if we don’t have a fond feeling for our bodies, even if we don’t like the way they look, we do take care of our bodies, don’t we? We feed them. We wash them. We care for them. Just so, husbands ought to feed and care for their wives all the time, regardless of how they feel, because whatever we do to our wives, gentlemen, we are doing to ourselves.
Paul calls marriage a profound mystery. It is a profound mystery how husband and wife truly become one in marriage. Paul says it is like the mystery of Christ and the Church. We don’t know exactly how Christ and the Church are one. We can see the Church, but we can’t see Christ. Or do we? Perhaps we can see Christ in the Church if the two are really one body.
Part of Paul’s point seems to be that a good Christian marriage ought to paint a picture for the watching world of what Christ’s relationship with the Church is really like. So also, when Christian marriages fail to paint the right picture, husband and wife are not only failing each other, they are failing the world that needs to see Christ at work in us.
So, what do we do when we fail? For it is “when” not “if”. Every marriage fails to be all that Christ wants it to be at one time or another. So, what do we do when that happens? We seek forgiveness, from Christ and from one another. Not only do we seek forgiveness, but we offer forgiveness to each other.
Ruth Graham was once asked if she had ever considered divorcing Billy. She said, “Murder, yes. Divorce, never.”
But she also said that every good marriage is made up of two good forgivers. And that is so true. I believe any marriage can survive anything, if we learn how to forgive one another.
Paul sums up his whole teaching on marriage in this passage with two key words: love and respect. He calls on husbands to love their wives, and wives to respect their husbands.
The word for “respect” in Greek is φοβέω. It literally means “to fear”. Now, I don’t think Paul wants wives to be afraid of their husbands. After all, doesn’t the New Testament say that “perfect love casts out fear”? (1 John 4:18) Yes.
Φοβέω is also the attitude we are instructed to have toward God. And I don’t think God wants us to be afraid of him. But when we really do meet God through Christ, there is a certain awe that comes over us.
I think that is the kind of fear Paul is saying wives should have toward their husbands. There should be a certain amount of awe in the marriage relationship. Why? Because husband and wife are both made in the image of God. And so, when we recognize that image in one another, we experience a certain sense of awe, of respect.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs wrote a book entitled “Love and Respect” many years ago. Becky and I attended the marriage seminar that Emerson and his wife taught together, from that book. It was Emerson’s contention that “respect” is what husbands most need in marriage and “love” is what wives most need. I’m not sure about that. I tend to think that husbands and wives both need both love and respect.
And that brings me back to the whole idea of mutual submission. Don’t we all need love and support as well as respect? And if we all worked a little harder, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to love and support and respect our spouses, would not our marriages be stronger? And would not our marriages look a little bit more like the relationship that should exist between Christ and the Church?
If we forget everything else about this passage in Ephesians, let us remember how Christocentric it is, just as the rest of this letter is centered in Christ. In a sense, Paul encourages every Christian marriage to be a threesome. Every marriage, to be truly Christian, needs to be a marriage triangle, with Christ as one of the three points. And if Christ is one of the three points of the marriage triangle, and the husband and wife make up the other two points, that means that the closer husband and wife draw to Christ, the closer they draw to each other. That should be the goal of every Christian marriage: to draw closer to Christ.
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