In preparing this message from Ephesians 6:1-4 for this congregation, I suddenly realized something... Most of us don’t have children in our house anymore. Duh! So, what might this passage have to say to our congregation where we are at today? Do we even need to read a passage of Scripture like this in a congregation like ours? Yes, I believe we do. If nothing else, reading Ephesians 6 helps us to see how Paul applies his theology. It is a reminder to us that Christian theology is applicable, it is relevant to the everyday situations we face. So, let’s read together from Ephesians 6 and see what God might be saying to each of us where we are today…
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Throughout this series of messages on Paul’s Letter to the Church at Ephesus we have been talking about “Plugging into the Power of Love”. Last week we looked at love in the context of marriage. This week we will examine love in the context of the family. Granted, our text for today from Ephesians 6:1-4 does not specifically use the word “love”, but I believe Paul’s instructions for families, when followed and empowered by the Holy Spirit, will result in an atmosphere of love in the home.
As we saw last week, Paul is picking up on a theme well-known in secular culture, namely the idea of the household code. Last week, we saw how Paul rings the changes on secular household codes of his day by advocating mutual submission. Similarly, in his instruction for parents and children, Paul is doing something radical. William Barclay explains…
If the Christian faith did much for women, it did even more for children. In Roman civilization contemporary with Paul there existed certain features which made life perilous for the child.
(1) There was the Roman patria potestas, the father’s power. Under the patria potestas a Roman father had absolute power over his family. He could sell them as slaves, he could make them work in his fields even in chains, he could punish as he liked and could even inflict the death penalty. Further, the power of the Roman father extended over the child’s whole life, so long as the father lived. A Roman son never came of age. Even when he was a grown man, even if he were a magistrate of the city, even if the state had crowned him with well-deserved honours, he remained within his father’s absolute power…
(2) There was the custom of child exposure. When a child was born, it was placed before its father’s feet, and, if the father stooped and lifted the child, that meant that he acknowledged it and wished it to be kept. If he turned and walked away, it meant that he refused to acknowledge it, and the child could quite literally be thrown out…
(3) Ancient civilization was merciless to the sickly or deformed child. Seneca writes, “We slaughter a fierce ox; we strangle a mad dog; we plunge the knife into sickly cattle lest they taint the herd; children who are born weakly and deformed we drown.” The child who was a weakling or imperfectly formed had little hope of survival.[1]
It is against this dark historical backdrop that we must consider Paul’s instruction on family life…
TWO COMMANDS FOR CHILDREN
Paul’s instruction is very evenly balanced. That is striking in and of itself. Amidst a culture where a father’s power was absolute, Paul didn’t simply tell children to obey, he gave instruction that modified a father’s perceived power. Paul offers two commands for children and two commands for fathers, and by extension, for mothers as well. Let’s look at Paul’s instruction to children first…
OBEY
Paul’s first instruction for children is: “Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” This is a command that applies to all of us at some time in our lives because every one of us is someone’s child. Furthermore, we never cease to be someone’s child at any time in our lives.
It is interesting that this instruction for children is part of Paul’s letter to a church. The fact that this instruction is in his letter at all shows us that children were regarded as part of the church family. Paul’s letter would have been read aloud to the assembled church in a Sunday worship service. So, the fact that Paul includes children in his instruction shows that he expected children to be there in the church community gathered for worship.
It is also important to note that Paul tells the children to do something in relation to their parents beyond what he has instructed wives to do in relation to their husbands. Paul never tells wives to obey their husbands. The fact that the word “obey” found its way into the English language marriage service through The Book of Common Prayer is a mistake; it is unbiblical.
So, Paul never tells wives to obey their husbands, but he does tell children to obey their parents. The word in Greek, which I mentioned last week, is ὑπακούω. It is a compound word. ὑπα means “under” and κούω means “listen”. This term provides a beautiful word picture of the child, smaller than the parent, standing under the taller parent and literally “listening under” them. Of course, the idea of “listening under” is that it should lead to what we mean by our English word “obedience”.
Paul does place one very important modifier or qualification on children’s obedience to parents. He says, “Children obey your parents in the Lord.” That could mean a few different things. One is that Christian children in the church should obey their parents as part of their obedience to the Lord. But therein lies the qualification. If parents command their children to do something that violates the Lord’s commands (like stealing, for example), or if parents forbid their children to do something the Lord requires (like worship) then the Christian child is obligated to obey their higher authority (the Lord) and disobey their parents.
HONOR
This brings us to Paul’s second commandment for children: “Honor your father and mother.” As noted earlier, in Roman culture, in a sense, children never came of age. They were always required to obey their father so long as their father was alive, and no matter how old they were.
That is not true in our culture today. Once a child reaches adulthood, in our culture that is at 18 years of age, there is no longer a requirement, either in secular culture or biblically, for the child to obey their parents. But for the Christian child there is a continuing obligation and opportunity to honor their parents.
How might this work, practically speaking? Well, let’s take the example of where a young person might choose to go to college. The young person who has turned 18 does not have to go to the college their parents might want them to attend. Of course, parents aren’t obligated to pay for their children’s college education either. But here is where honoring one’s parents comes into play. While the eighteen-year-old young person is not obligated to go to school where their parents may want them to go, honoring one’s parents would, I believe, involve listening to their parents’ advice and taking that advice into serious consideration.
How might honoring one’s parents look for those of us who are parents or grandparents ourselves? Personally, I believe the obligation and opportunity to honor one’s parents never ends. For me, the work of writing a book about my father and giving countless interviews about him has given me the opportunity to honor him, and my mother, over and again. And I have greatly enjoyed that opportunity.
My friend, Douglas Gresham, was once asked: “What is it like to live in the shadow of your stepfather, C. S. Lewis?” Doug’s response was: “C. S. Lewis didn’t leave a shadow; he left a glow, and I am privileged to bask in it.” I feel the same way about my parents. They haven’t left a shadow. They have left a glow that I am privileged to bask in.
The way we speak about our parents, even after they have passed, gives us a continuing opportunity to honor them. And I think this is especially important for us to do in the presence of our children and grandchildren. It sets an example for them.
I realize that for some honoring your parents can seem hard, if not impossible. Perhaps you have had a very painful upbringing. If that is the case, I hope you will allow me to suggest that one way you might honor your parents, is simply to acknowledge the truth of your experience, and to ask for God’s help to forgive your parents. God’s grace can do so much to free us from our past.
Of course, “honor your father and mother” is not simply a command that Paul has made up. Paul is quoting from The Ten Commandments. And Paul notes that there is a promise attached to this commandment: “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Now, if you think about it, it is obvious how this promise is based upon a very practical reality. The child who does not listen to, obey, or honor their parent may see their life come to a swift end. When our children are young, it seems we spend much of our time giving commands simply out of a desire to keep them safe: “Don’t touch that hot stove.” “Don’t cross the street until you have looked both ways.” “Be careful how you drive, or you may end up having an accident.” The list of things we tell our children just to keep them safe could go on and on. And children, especially when they are young, are wise to listen to, obey, and honor their parents and all parental instruction. Such listening, obedience, and honor may, in fact, prevent many children from having an early demise.
But this same promise works in a larger way as well. Our parents’ wisdom can work to the benefit of a long life. It is terrible if a child feels they have received no wisdom from their parents. How terrible it is for a child to feel like they must “re-invent the wheel” when it comes to figuring out how to live. But I imagine most children, and especially Christian children, do receive wisdom from their parents, wisdom that can lead to a long, productive, and happy life.
I do not look at this promise, attached to this command, as something sort of magical as if God said, “Honor your parents and you will automatically live to be 90 or 100 years old.” Notice that Paul says, “that you may” not “that you will”. There are no guarantees of long life in this world. Accidents happen. There are serious diseases out there in the world that can cut a person’s life short. But these things do not invalidate the basic truth that Paul asserts. When we honor the wisdom of our parents, in most cases, that can lead to a long and happy life.
TWO COMMANDS FOR PARENTS
So now let us examine the two commands that Paul offers to parents. First, Paul says: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.”
Why does Paul address this command specifically to fathers? (1) Perhaps he does this specifically because of his contemporary context in which fathers held such absolute power over their children. (2) Or, perhaps, Paul addresses this command to fathers specifically because fathers tend to exasperate their children more than mothers do. That’s possible. (3) But it may be that this command includes mothers as well. After all, Paul lived at a time long before the use of inclusive language. Many times, throughout the New Testament, Christians are referred to as “brothers”. There now exist various inclusive language translations of the Bible that translate these references as “brothers and sisters” because clearly, Paul and the other writers of the New Testament, are addressing both male and female members of the Church. The same may be true here. It may be that Paul is using the word “fathers” but that he means for this command to include mothers as well.
So, for fathers and for mothers, what does it mean to exasperate our children? The word in Greek is παροργίζω. The word means “to provoke to anger”. We use the expression today of “pressing someone’s buttons”. This command shows how radical Paul was in his viewpoint and instruction. In the Roman world of Paul’s day, as we have already seen, the father had absolute authority. But Paul is telling Christian fathers, and perhaps mothers as well, “Don’t abuse your authority and thereby provoke your children to anger.”
How do we exasperate our children today? My children might tell you that my humor, especially my constant use of puns, exasperates them. Well, even if it does, that is not very serious, is it?
There are other ways we may more seriously exasperate or provoke our children to anger. One way is by disciplining our children, when they are young, in a way that is harsh or overbearing. As I look back on my experience as a father over the last thirty-two years, I think that I was often too harsh with my children in terms of discipline, and that I yelled far too often. If I had it to do all over again, I would still be firm, but much gentler, and I would try to exercise parental authority without raising my voice. It’s a tall order, I know, but that would be my goal.
And this leads me to the second command that Paul gives to parents: “instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Paul uses three key words here. The first word in Greek is ἐκτρέφω. The NIV translates this word as “bring them up”. The word literally means to nourish, but it can also mean to provide for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of one’s child.
The second key word is παιδεία. We get our modern English word pedagogy from this ancient Greek word. Παιδεία refers to training and educating, especially in moral and spiritual development. This word can include correction as part of the process of education.
The third key word is νουθεσία. This word refers to the act of providing guidance, especially through admonition and warning.
When I was in college, I took a class on self-esteem at my home church that was led by Dr. Mary Geckeler who was one of the psychologists at our church’s counseling center. It was a great class in which I learned a lot. Among other things, Dr. Geckeler talked about four different styles of parenting. She talked about the nurturing parent, the structuring parent, the marshmallow parent and the critical parent. The basic idea she conveyed was that every child needs both nurture and structure. But when nurture and structure go too far, they go wrong. Nurture taken to an extreme becomes marshmallow parenting where everything is so lovey-dovey that anything goes. Structure taken to an extreme becomes critical parenting where there is yelling and harsh discipline.
What I find so fascinating about what Paul has to say is that two thousand years before modern psychology started talking about the need of every child for nurture and structure, Paul was already talking about it. That is the perfect balance Paul is advocating when he says: bring up your children in the training and instruction of the Lord. Paul is advocating nurture and structure together in parenting.
Every time I baptize children, I ask the parents this question: “In presenting your child for baptism, do you confess your faith in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and do you promise in dependence on the grace of God to bring up your child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord?”
I love those old words from the King James version of Ephesians 6: nurture and admonition. To me, those words get across the idea of what every child needs: both nurture and structure. But of course, Christian parents are tasked with one more thing: bringing up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. In other words, Christian parents are called upon by God to parent the way the Lord Jesus would have us do it, and we are called, in all our parenting, to point our children to Jesus as their Lord and Savior, their ultimate leader and forgiver.
I’m sure that that this whole sermon has sounded very nice and academic to most of us here today who are well beyond our parenting years. You have probably been thinking: “Oh, I wish my children, or my grandchildren could hear this message.” Of course, they can if you send them the link to the recording! But I think there is so much more we can be doing as grandparents. I have four suggestions…
- We can be examples to our children and grandchildren of what followers of Jesus Christ really look like.
- We can be praying for our children and grandchildren.
- We can be encouraging our children in their parenting efforts.
- We can be available to our children as sounding boards to listen and to advise when, and only when, our children come seeking our wisdom.
And, of course, to be the child, the parent, or the grandparent that God wants us to be, we need the help of God’s Holy Spirit. So, let’s ask God for that help, that grace, right now…
[1] William Barclay, The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians, Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1976, pp. 175-177.
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