Christian Relationships

Listen for God’s word to you from Colossians 3:18-4:1…

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for their wrongs, and there is no favoritism. Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.

 

Introduction 

How might you respond if I stood before you today and began by saying: We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America? 

I imagine I would not get very far before you all would be nodding along, easily recognizing the words to the Preamble of the United States Constitution. But what if I continued in this manner… All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate of Idiots and a House of Fools?

I think it would become clear to you that I was not merely reciting from our United States Constitution but rather making a social commentary on our current political situation. You would understand that I was putting a new spin on a familiar piece of writing to make a point. 

It is not a perfect illustration, but I think Paul is doing something like this beginning in Colossians 3:18. Paul is taking on the household codes of the ancient world and transforming them. With his remix of the ancient household codes Paul teaches us two things that Aristotle and the other philosophers of the ancient world do not… 

1. Christian relationships are reciprocal. 

For Paul, the duties of wives and husbands, children and parents, slaves and masters, are never on one side. Husbands have a duty to their wives as much as wives to their husbands. Parents have a duty to their children as much as children to parents. And masters have a duty to their slaves as much as slaves to their masters. This concept of reciprocal obligation was a completely new idea. 

For example, under Jewish law, a woman was treated, for all legal intents and purposes, as a thing. The woman was the possession of her husband. That’s what the word marriage meant in Hebrew. It meant “to take a wife” just like any other possession. Under Jewish law a husband could divorce his wife for any reason, whereas the wife had no right to initiate a divorce. 

In Greek society the situation was similar. Respectable women lived lives of seclusion. They never appeared on the street alone. The husband could enter as many relationships outside marriage as he pleased. So, in both Jewish and Greek culture, all the privileges belonged to the husband and all the duties belonged to the wife. But Paul changes all that. He puts forth an ethic of mutual obligation. 

Similarly, regarding children, in the ancient world they were under the domination of their parents. According to the Roman Patria Potestas, the law of the father’s power, the father could do whatever he liked with his child. He could sell his child as a slave. He could condemn his child to death. All the privileges and rights belonged to the father in the ancient world and all the duties belonged to the child. Again, in this instance, Paul introduces an ethic of reciprocal obligation. 

In the case of slavery, a slave was merely a thing in the eyes of the law. There were no codes for working conditions in the ancient world. When a slave was no longer able to work, he or she could be thrown out to die. Slaves had no right of marriage and if they did produce children, those children belonged to the master. The master could do whatever he liked with his slave, and no one would or could object. Again, Paul changes all this, and he tells Christian masters that they have an obligation to their slaves. According to the new Christian ethic enunciated by Paul every person has rights, and every person has responsibilities. 

2. Christian relationships are in the Lord. 

The second major thing that Paul teaches is that all Christian relationships, in marriage, in the family, and between masters and slaves, all relationships are in the Lord. What does this mean? 

It means that the whole of our lives as Christians must be lived in Christ. That is to say that we are called to live with a consciousness that Jesus is our unseen guest present in every relationship, in every setting of life. The wife and the husband must both ask themselves, “How would Jesus want me to treat my spouse?” The Christian child must ask a similar question, “How would Jesus want me to treat my parents?” And parents must ask, “How would Jesus have us treat our children?” Slaves must ask, “How would Jesus have me treat my master?” And Christian masters must ask, “How would Jesus have me treat my slave?” “What would Jesus do?” is the ultimate question that must be asked and answered in every situation. And once having obtained what Jesus would do, we must do it, with the help of the Holy Spirit. 

Now that we have seen how Paul introduces these two new principles into Christian relationships let’s examine each set of relationships individually. 

Wives 

First, Paul says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” I realize that this is one of the most unpopular verses in the Bible today. But before we reject Paul’s teaching as outdated, perhaps we need to consider the real meaning of the word “submit”. 

The word in Greek is ὑποτάσσω. It is a compound word. The word ὑπο means “under” and the word τάσσω means “order”. From the Greek word τάσσω we get our English word taxonomy. Paul is giving us a taxonomy of the home. Notice there is no talk, on Paul’s part, of the wife being inferior to her husband. He treats husbands and wives as equally valuable human beings in the eyes of the Lord. The question is: how exactly are wives to order themselves under their husbands? 

The image we use to describe this order is all important. And perhaps there is no perfect image other than the one Paul gives us in Ephesians where he teaches that the wife should relate to her husband as the church does to Christ. But just for the heck of it, try another image on for size. 

What is the most important part of a bridge? Is it the road, or the supporting structure underneath. Both are important, but to my way of thinking, the supporting structure underneath the roadway is most important. When I think of marriage, I often think of a bridge, and how the wife is like the supporting structure underneath the road. To me, that is a good picture of what Paul means when he talks about wives submitting to their husbands. He is talking about wives being the support structure underneath their husbands. For, after all, we men are weak creatures indeed; we need all the support we can get. 

Another way to think of this word “submit” is presented by C. S. Lewis in Mere Christianity. He asks the question, how do you settle disputes in a corporation of two, when one vote potentially cancels out the other? You say, “Well, discuss the matter until you have agreement.” Yes, that is what husbands and wives ought to do in every situation, try to come to agreement. But what do you do when you have hashed things out and there is still no agreement? Lewis points out that in a corporation of two people, one person must have the deciding vote, and that is what God has given to the husband, the deciding vote. 

How does this work out in practice? I don’t know about your marriage, but I can tell you about mine. In matters of importance, Becky and I have, over thirty-seven years, talked things out, and prayed things out until we come to agreement. And I can think of only one time in thirty-seven years when we did not agree, even after long discussion and prayer. And so, in that situation, I made the decision about what we were going to do. And Becky submitted to that decision. The matter we disagreed about was whether to send our son Jon to kindergarten from preschool or hold him back for a year. I decided to send him on, and I think he has turned out okay. 

Husbands 

Paul goes on to say, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Again, this is a shortened form of what Paul says in Ephesians. There he tells husbands to love their wives as Christ has loved the church. And how did Jesus love the church? He gave his life up for us. Again, I find C. S. Lewis helpful when he writes in The Four Loves… 

This headship [of the husband over the wife], then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion. 

As I said earlier, the question husbands ought always to be asking themselves is, “What would Jesus do? How would Jesus want me to love my wife if he were in my shoes?” That is our task men, to love our wives the way Jesus would do it if he were in our shoes. I don’t know about you, but I know that I fall far short of this ideal. I need Jesus’ forgiveness and his fresh empowerment all the time. 

Children 

Next, Paul addresses children. He writes, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” 

The Greek word for “obey” is an interesting one. It is the word ὑπακούω. It is a compound word very much like ὑποτάσσω. But whereas ὑποτάσσω means “to order under”, ὑπακούω means “to listen under”. One can picture a child standing under his father or mother with ear cocked and listening to what they say to carry it out. I find it interesting that Paul tells children to obey, whereas he tells wives to submit. I think there is a difference between the two. And perhaps the church got off track when it started including in the wedding service the vow where wives promise to love, honor, and obey their husbands. If Thomas Cranmer had been more attentive to Paul’s words, he might have used the word “submit” instead of “obey”. Still, the essence of this word suggests that children are to listen under the authority of their parents with the goal of then carrying out their parents’ instructions. 

And Paul says that children are to do this in everything. But I think there is an inherent qualification in this command. Notice, Paul says, “For this pleases the Lord.” Obviously, if a parent commands a child to do something that is contrary to the Lord’s will, that would not be pleasing to the Lord and therefore the child should politely disobey that command. I believe Paul’s instructions to children allow for this sort of respectful civil disobedience in the home, but only when the parent forbids the child to do something God commands or commands the child to do something God forbids. 

Fathers 

Next, Paul addresses fathers. He writes, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Why does Paul address fathers exclusively and not fathers and mothers together? I think perhaps there are two reasons. One is because in the ancient world the father had supreme authority over his family. The other reason Paul probably addresses this command to fathers is because fathers tend to be most likely culprits to potentially embitter their children by word and by deed. 

In Ephesians, Paul adds a positive command to the negative one. He says, and I quote the King James Version, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” I like that phrase, “the nurture and admonition of the Lord”. That is the language used in the infant baptism service of the Presbyterian Church. The minister asks the parents, “Do you promise to bring up your child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” 

When I was in college, I took a class on self-esteem from a psychologist in my home church. We learned about four parenting styles. The two positive ones are nurturing and structuring, just like Paul talks about in Ephesians. All children need both nurture and structure. But there are also two negative parenting styles that function as distortions of the positive styles. When the structuring parent goes wrong, they become critical and criticizing. When the nurturing parent goes wrong, they become like a marshmallow, giving into the child’s every whim. Fathers and mothers need to develop both their nurturing and structuring techniques. 

Slaves 

Finally, Paul addresses slaves and their masters. Many modern readers of the Bible have asked, “Why does Paul not call for the abolition of slavery?” I believe that Paul viewed every human being as made in the image of God; therefore, I think Paul knew that slavery was inherently wrong. But Paul also knew that whatever he said about slavery could not and would not change the Roman Empire. Christianity, in its early development, was not in any position of power to bring about such widespread change in such a systemic problem as slavery. But the attitudes that Paul encourages both slaves and masters to adopt would eventually bring an end to slavery. We must remember that slavery came to an end in the British Empire when a Christian, William Wilberforce, campaigned for its abolition. 

But this leads me to ask the question: What is one to do when one cannot change one’s circumstances? Paul knew he could not change the institution of slavery in the first century Roman Empire overnight. People in the first century could no more imagine life without slavery than we can imagine life without electricity or life without the internal combustion engine. So, what does one do when one can’t change one’s negative circumstances? Viktor Frankl gives us a suggestion. Frankl was a psychiatrist and Jewish prisoner of war under the Nazis. He survived the concentration camp and out of that experience he developed his theory of what he called logo-therapy. Frankl learned that “he who has a ‘why’ to live for can bear almost any ‘how’.” Frankl also said that while we cannot determine what happens to us in life, we can always choose our response. We can choose our attitude towards our circumstances. Paul urges Christian slaves and masters to change their attitude. Paul urges slaves to obey their masters in everything, but to do it as though they are serving the Lord, not a human being. 

Masters 

Then to masters Paul says, “Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.” 

Paul has much more to say both to slaves and masters in Ephesians and in his letter to Philemon. You may remember from our study of Philemon that Paul sent that letter along with this one to Colossae. Philemon was a Christian slave-owner who hosted the church in his home in Colossae. Philemon had a slave named Onesimus who ran away and ended up meeting Paul in prison in Rome. Paul sends Onesimus back to Philemon, but he urges Philemon to no longer look at Onesimus as a slave, but as a brother in Christ. 

This says to me that when we bring Jesus into our relationships it changes our perspective on everything. How could Philemon continue to think of owning another human being when he realized that Jesus was his master? So, I repeat what I said earlier… Essentially, in every relationship, Paul urges us to ask ourselves the question: “What would Jesus do?” How would Jesus have me treat my spouse, my child, my parent, my slave, my master, if he were in my shoes? Once we arrive at the answer to that question, then we must live out the answer. And of course that is the great challenge of life: living out the answer of Christ. To do that, we need the help of the Holy Spirit.