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Guidance for Singles


Christian pollster George Barna once said, “Americans are the loneliest people in the world today.”

 

One evening I was on my way home from work, and I stopped at a supermarket to pick up some items for dinner. As I went to the checkout line I was served by an older gentleman. He asked me how my day was. I said that I was tired, and I was glad it was the end of the day. Then I said, “It’s probably not the end of the day for you.” He responded, “No, I get off at 11:30, then I go home and watch the late-night shows on TV.” I asked him what he thought of one of the late-night hosts and the man’s response turned into a monologue that lasted for a few minutes. He stopped ringing the cash register, and with other people waiting in line, he just went on talking. As I left the store I thought, “That man probably never has anyone ask how he is doing. And he probably never has anyone to talk to in a meaningful way. He jumped at the chance to tell me something about his life.”

 

Today in our study of 1 Corinthians we turn to what Paul has to say to people who are single. Many singles today are probably just like that man I met at the grocery store… lonely. Some singles I know desperately wish for marriage. Others are perfectly happy in their unmarried state and wish that married people would quit bugging them about getting married. Some singles in our day face many sexual pressures and temptations in our society. 

 

Is there hope for singles? Paul’s answer is yes. He says three things in 1 Corinthians 7 that offer hope. Let’s see what they are. We are going to read verses 1, 7-9, and 25-40 of chapter 7…

 

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”

 

  7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

29 What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. 

36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong[b] and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.[c]

39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.


The first thing Paul tells us in this passage is that singleness is good. In fact, Paul makes this statement 3 times in this chapter in verses 1, 8, and 26. 

 

Now, when Paul says in verse 1, “It is good for a man not to marry,” he is probably quoting a faction in Corinth. Apparently, there were some people in the church who had bought into the Greek notion that the spirit is good and the body is evil. Therefore, they were teaching that the most spiritual way to live was to deny the body. In particular: they were teaching that it was better to remain single, or, if one was married, to forego sexual relations in marriage. Paul quotes these Corinthian ascetics and agrees with them that singleness is good, but he does not agree with their reasoning.

 

What is so good about being single? Let’s look at Paul’s reasoning. He gives at least three reasons why being single is good.

 

First, Paul says it is good to be single in times of persecution. He says, “Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is.” What was the present crisis that the people in Corinth were facing? We don’t know exactly. But the first century was, in general, a time of persecution for Christians throughout the Roman Empire. We also know that the believers in Corinth were persecuted by some of the Jewish people. In Acts 18 we read about Paul’s first trip to Corinth. In 18:5 we read that “Paul devoted himself exclusively to preaching, testifying to the Jews that Jesus was the Christ. But when the Jews opposed Paul and became abusive, he shook out his clothes in protest.” 

 

Paul was later brought to trial by the Jews and after the hearing many of the Jews in Corinth turned on Sosthenes, the synagogue ruler who had become a Christian, and they beat him in front of the court. But Gallio, the judge, showed no concern whatsoever.

 

The Christians in Corinth were definitely facing a hostile environment because of their faith in Christ. And what Paul is saying here in 1 Corinthians 7 is that in such a context it would be better not to marry and have to endure seeing your spouse and children also face persecution. It’s tough enough to face persecution yourself without bringing family members into the equation. So, Paul says because of the present crisis, it is better to remain single.

 

Now, you may be thinking, “But we don’t have much persecution, if any, where we live today. What does this have to do with getting married or remaining single in our time and place?” Well, maybe not much. But some Christians around the world are facing persecution right now. And you never know when it may be around the corner for us.

 

The second reason why Paul says that the single life is good is that it is good when compared to the troubles of married life! Paul says in verse 28, “But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” What troubles is Paul talking about? Well, he doesn’t explain exactly. But we can surmise what he was hinting at.

 

I have a ministry colleague who compares two people coming together in marriage to two raging rivers meeting. Where they meet, there is a lot of turbulence! 

 

Granted, in a good marriage, as each spouse works out their role and relationship, marriage can be great. But there can be many trials to work through to reach the end goal. There are the challenges of communication, sex, finances, children and who takes care of what responsibilities, just to name a few hot buttons. All these matters have to be worked out in the midst of what can be the most intimate, exhausting, and rewarding of human relationships.

 

I think what Paul is saying here is that singles don’t have to deal with all these things in the same way or with the same intensity. If you are single and want to spend money on something, you don’t have to consult your spouse. When you are single, you don’t have to worry about offending your spouse by something you have said. When you are married, there is a lot more to work through in terms of communication and a whole lot of other issues.

 

Third, Paul says that singleness is good because you can focus on the Lord and serving him. For Paul, the single life is advantageous, good, a lovely thing, because a Christian man or woman who is single may devote more of their time and energy to serving the Lord. For example, there is a beauty, an attractiveness, to the life of someone like Mother Teresa who chose the single life to devote herself completely to serving God and others. 

 

Though Paul, as a rabbi, was probably married at one time in his life, by the time he writes 1 Corinthians he is single. Perhaps his wife has died; we don’t know. But he wishes that more Christians could adopt the single life as he has. So far as we know, Jesus was single and we know that he was the only perfect human being who has ever lived, or ever will live. So, singleness, rather than being an obstacle, a hindrance, to living a full Christian life, can be an aid to such a life.

 

So, if you are single, whether through divorce or death, or because you have never married, God says that your life as a single person can be lovely. I think the Lord would invite you to consider what you might do in service to him and to others that many of us married couples simply don’t have the time or energy to do.

 

Now, not only does Paul say that singleness is good, but he also tells us that singleness is a gift. Notice what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:7, “I wish that all of you were as I am [that is, single]. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.”

 

The word Paul uses here for gift is the same word, χάρισμα, that he uses in 1 Corinthians 12-14 to talk about spiritual gifts. In other words, the capacities for singleness or marriage are abilities that God graciously gives us for the building up of his church, just as much as the gifts of teaching, serving, administrating, showing hospitality, and all the other spiritual gifts. Married people and single people both have unique ways that they can serve Christ and his church.

 

I believe what Paul is saying is this…if you are single, that is a gift from God, a present, if you will, that the Lord wants you to accept and unwrap. He wants you to open the gift and discover all that it entails. He wants you to possess the gift, enjoy it fully, and thank him for it. 

 

Now, if singleness is a gift, that also implies one more thing that Paul makes clear in this passage: singleness is not for everyone. Let us read one more time what Paul says in verses 8 and 9… “Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

 

What is Paul saying here? I think it basically comes down to this: if we cannot control ourselves sexually, then we should pursue marriage. I have known many single people who wonder whether it is God’s will for them to be married. And so, they look for a sign. And sometimes they look everywhere for God’s answer but in themselves. I believe that the Lord weaves his will into the fabric of our being. Our sexual desire or lack of it, is one sign that reveals whether we should be married or not.

 

Now of course, if all a person is looking for in marriage is a sexual outlet, then they have a very incomplete understanding of marriage and they will probably face many struggles if they do get married. There is much more to marriage than sex. Marriage is primarily about companionship, and if God wills, marriage will also involve having a family, having children.

 

How should a Christian go about finding a life partner? Well, I think a good way to start is to pray for a spouse and pray that God would make you a good spouse. Secondly, it is important to put oneself in situations where one might meet a good partner.

 

When Abraham’s son Isaac was of marriageable age, Abraham did not want his son to marry a Canaanite woman. So, Abraham sent his servant back to his homeland to find a wife for his son. That’s the way marriages happened in those days—they were arranged. It certainly removed the hassles of dating! At any rate, Abraham’s servant followed his instructions and the Lord led him to Abraham’s relatives and to just the right woman for Isaac. Her name was Rebecca. And when the servant arrived and met Rebecca, he made the following statement as recorded in the King James Version of Genesis 24:27, “I being in the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master’s brethren.”

 

I think an important spiritual principle is contained in that statement. Somebody once articulated that principle this way: “Even God can’t steer a parked car.” God usually guides us as we are in motion.

 

I remember when I was in seminary and I was single, I was praying for a wife. One day when I was home on vacation, my father saw my prayer list and noted that I was praying for a wife and so he said to me: “You know if you want to find a wife, it helps to date!” 

 

“I know, Dad, I know.”

 

Then when I told my parents about Becky my father said, “Get on with it and send her some flowers.”

 

His advice on both occasions was right, and I followed it. And as I was in motion, God guided me.

 

I think that is the way God’s guidance works for most of us, most of the time.

 

Now, I realize that many of you, single people, who are here today are single because you are widowed. That is a very different situation than that of the person who has never been married. Notice what Paul says to you. You are bound to your spouse so long as that spouse is alive. If your spouse has died, you are free to remarry, but there are advantages, Paul says, to remaining single. 

 

I like the image that C. S. Lewis uses for this. Remember, Lewis married late in life a woman he knew was dying. They were married just three or four years and then he lost her to cancer. Lewis said marriage is like a dance and when a spouse dies you must learn how to dance the next step alone. That’s hard. But I believe God can give strength to widows and widowers to dance the next step knowing that you are never truly alone because God is with you.

 

Some widows and widowers are like Lewis, they can’t imagine ever being married again. Others marry again and do very well in a second marriage. Only God can give you the wisdom to know what is right for you.

 

And of course, some of you here today are single because you have gone through divorce. Paul has some interesting things to say in this chapter about marriage and divorce. I want to take a whole separate sermon to address the issue of divorce. But let me say this for the moment to those of you who have been through divorce. I believe the next step in the dance of life for you involves a lot of forgiveness. Why should you forgive? Well, for one practical reason, it is the only way to move on well. I have a friend who always reminds me of this. She says, “Holding on to resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” That’s a lousy life strategy. Let go of the past. Step into the future. 

 

I pray that if you are single today, for whatever reason, the Lord would give you grace to take the next step in the dance that he has for you.

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